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Adapted for an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I both graduated from law school. Despite our best efforts to find a job together in New York, his best job offer came from Philadelphia and mine came from the Bay Area. It seems clear and clear: either we break up or we start planning a long-distance relationship.
But our relationship is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I lie awake at night thinking I would terribly regret or resent the job if it cost me this relationship. That's why I'm thinking about rolling the dice in Philadelphia. (My friend seems determined to go.)
When I bring it up, he seems happy that I'm moving there too – at least he doesn't ask me not to.
How can I tell if this is worth considering or if it's just fear?
Stay or go?: I already hate this answer and haven't written it yet. But I'll lie awake at night if I don't say it. So.
You are willing to drop everything to be with him. He's not willing to give up everything (or anything?) to be with you.
That's not automatically bad. However, if I were you, I would hopefully think carefully about what our priorities say about the health of our relationship and the wisdom of putting so many chips on this field.
Apparently Philadelphia is big enough for both of you. You could move there, break up a day later, and start a rewarding career and personal life without him. If you move for him for this purpose, you live separately to develop your own root system there, a source of strength for both of you. If that sounds good – if you’re still willing to invest in the city – then great.
But whatever you do, please consider this crossroads and each of your approaches as valuable data.
His reticence, for example: Why doesn't he tell you in detail what he thinks? “I would like to have you there, but it doesn't seem fair of me to ask.” Or: “I'm ready for a fresh start.” Or: “If you accept a decline in my career for this, I will feel partly responsible , and I'm not comfortable with that.” Or: “I secretly hoped you would choose Philadelphia, but I kept my mouth shut because I knew it had to be entirely your decision.”
And why don't you ask?
There are so many possible truths here and everything you've learned from your intimate partner: “When I bring it up, he seems happy.” Is that really enough to make you move? Love takes time to grow, but indifference is barren ground.
Now make your choice for yourself, whatever it is. Call it Plan A and Plan Me.
· Loving relationships are wonderful, but they don't really last until you have invested so much in yourself and your life that you are the best thing that has ever happened to you. I got married and then divorced, the “best thing that ever happened to me.” Years later, I have the best partner I could imagine because I am my own partner first and foremost.
· Accept the offer that is best for you as a person and your career. You will never have such a wide variety of job opportunities again. Prioritize yourself. He obviously doesn't prioritize you.
· You're trying to figure out if he wants you to come to Philly without asking him if he wants to. If you can't have a conversation about it, then I'd say you're not ready to move to another city for him.