Doctor of Molecular Biology. Doctor of Psychological Sciences and Techniques. Expert in neurobiology and behavioral genetics. science communicator. Author and founder of Psipadvisor
We all want love, but most couples break up after a few years or continue their duet, swallowing one dissatisfaction after another. When love ends none of us can explain why. Hypotheses such as “he had changed” or “we couldn’t find anything in common anymore…” or simply “he wasn’t the right partner for me” are outlined. If it is true that everyone desires full love, it is also true that many ignore that true and lasting love consists of five stages. Many couples stop on the third without progressing.
The real problem is that the couple is understood by many of us as static, even though it is an extremely dynamic whole. Throughout life, our experiences change us. We are constantly evolving and so is our couple. During a relationship, the two partners must be willing to accept each other and, above all, to see the partner as he really is, without leaving room for idealization and projection.
There are those who cannot accept the stability of the couple
Before I list the 5 stages of love, I want to focus on a majority of people. I’m referring to those who “like to complicate their lives”… which, when something is easy, just isn’t for them! A large portion of us don’t like stability and when the couple solidifies they just get bored and look around. This type of person is not so atypical. I’m sure you know at least a few people who, even though they would love to commit, are living in pre-made relationships that are already destined to end…it’s just about time.
This happens for several reasons, but in my brief introduction I will focus on a single reason: the inability to have stability (I don’t know if the word “inhabitation” exists…I just mean the lack of appropriation of the concept of stability). ). You must know that almost everything you know about love and emotions you learned unknowingly as a child. In your childhood you learned to read emotions. A mature emotionality is able to access a wide range of emotions, even the most complex ones. Those who weren’t so lucky and experienced an emotionally turbulent childhood will inevitably get bored when things are calm and stable.
The 5 stages of love
Well, we know that there are those who are unable to overcome the third phase of love because they fear the stability of the couple, those who are stuck because of an age-old fear of abandonment, and those who who, on the other hand, manage unable to progress… but what are these five stages of love?
The five stages of love, or “seasons of love,” were developed by writer and marriage counselor Dr. Jed Diamond, but in this article I’m going to modify them… in American planning, Dr. Jed inserts the notion of family and planning (kids, home… already in the second phase, a premature step for us Europeans). Furthermore, the fifth phase is extremely irrational and disgusting as it gives a single couple the power to change the world… In short, each phase is revisited using canons that I find more rational. We all know the first phase, that of falling in love!
1. Falling in love
Falling in love is a bit like a drug: oxytocin, estrogen, serotonin, testosterone, dopamine… they are all signaling molecules that regulate the mechanism of falling in love. Falling in love is characterized by desire, attraction and a strange feeling of well-being. In reality, we are under the influence of “love hormones”, but we are not aware of it and attribute our well-being to the other. So when we fall in love, we become “selfish”. We want to spend our time together who, if he reciprocates our interest, does nothing but support the production of love hormones…!
2. Become a couple
In this phase, the couple unites: the prevailing feelings are security, togetherness and joy. We learn to understand what the other likes, we expand our individual life to do justice to the other.
Life as a “single” gives way to life as a couple, in short, we begin to live “we” in all its facets. The feelings of falling in love gradually give way to love. This phase is characterized by security, love, appreciation, caring, protection… In short: we feel close and protected and give protection and intimacy. Well, many often make the mistake of thinking that this is the pinnacle of love and not bothering about what comes next!
3. The disillusionment
For many relationships, the third phase is the beginning of the end or the beginning of a totally unsatisfying relationship. At this stage, the little things about each other can get on our nerves. We feel less loved and crave attention that never seems to come. We feel trapped in a relationship that we didn’t (apparently) choose and want to escape from. If the disillusionment is not processed, the relationship can only lead to great frustration. The individual may feel hurt, angry, or irritated by the other. Distances can grow and the couple begins to lose the cohesion that characterized the previous phases.
The two people continue to exist together, but don’t really feel united. This happens because falling in love has not evolved harmoniously upstream. The prerequisite for love is acceptance. If you learn to see your partner for who they really are (and not how you want them to), the disenchantment phase would be easier to digest.
Dealing with disillusionment requires ingredients like: mutual understanding, mutual acceptance, respect and appreciation of the other. Both partners need to feel valued and respected. Couples therapy can be useful in this phase to really get to know the other and to separate them from your own expectations. Additionally, those raised in dysfunctional families might blame their partner for all their unhappiness. Therefore, individual and/or couples psychotherapy is always recommended to untie the knots and resolve the open issues.
4. True and lasting love
In this phase you become allies. We accept ourselves for who we really are. Only when mutual acceptance and appreciation have been established can we really plan as a couple, because only after the third stage can we speak of couple stability. The third stage is one of conflict and pain. In the fourth phase, complicity, intimacy and protection are rediscovered. This is only fully possible when the two people who make up the couple do not expect the other to have to heal their internal wounds.
There is nothing more beautiful and satisfying than being with a partner who sees and loves you for who you are and not what they project or expect. The image we have of our partner while falling in love is heavily influenced by the hormones of love. In the fourth stage, love hormones no longer affect how we see each other. Complicity and intimacy return because of a strong understanding and acceptance of self and the other.
5. Change together
As mentioned before, we are constantly evolving in life and even the couple cannot be static over time. The two need to grow both individually and as a pair. The development of the individual must be in harmony with that of the couple. In practice, this means being willing to compromise (e.g. in the workplace when the partner has the opportunity to travel for work, or in terms of schedules when the practical needs of daily life are far apart… ). The change in the individual affects the entire couple system and for this reason phase 4 and phase 5 must go hand in hand. Acceptance, respect and appreciation of the other become key elements of the couple and guide them in phase four.
Unfortunately, many couples find themselves in phase three and in totally unsatisfactory relationships without even having the clarity to understand that this story was chosen by themselves and not forced by anyone.
A relationship has no life of its own!
You should think of your relationship as a houseplant. The plant does not disturb, does not ask for anything and just stays there. If we forget and neglect it, if we don’t pay attention to whether it has enough light or if it has to be moved because there is too much, the plant will slowly die. A relationship works the same way. If everything went well in the beginning, we thought we found the right person and we forget to invest in the relationship, the relationship will slowly die.
The fulfillment of the couple is no utopia
I know they teach us that love is blind, implicitly telling us that we must be content with what comes. Being content is totally wrong and if you think about it, you know it too! Life is unique and not meant to be endured. We don’t have to be satisfied with love, we have to learn to accept the love we deserve. In my new book, Love Makes You Heal, I talk to you about relationships, but more than that, I tell you about yourself and what you can do for yourself to build a fulfilling love story by doing work emotional burdens that you bring with you from the past. As I explained to you, our experiences make us who we are, but we are not helpless. There are many things you can do for yourself and explain to your partner, ideas that you were previously unaware of. The book is available in all bookshops in Italy and on Amazon at this address. Remember: always strive for the best! I wish you.
Author: Anna De Simone, psychologist and expert in neuropsychobiology
Author of the bestseller «Rewrite the pages of your life» and the eagerly awaited «We get sick with love, we heal with love».
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