The flower of hypocrisy blooms in abundance in Hollywood.
They will be there for you, Matthew Perry.
But apparently not for your alleged victims.
Midway through the obligatory “In Memoriam” at the Emmys on Monday night, the question came to mind: How will Tinseltown acknowledge Perry's sudden death — and the resulting accusations that he was a habitual wife-beater?
Spoiler alert: Not good.
Last week, the concerned boyfriend was completely ignored at the Golden Globes. But this 75th Emmy was all about nostalgia and a desire for the TV magic of yesteryear.
You couldn't miss Chandler Bing. As the portrait photographs of Norman Lear, Angela Lansbury and Harry Belafonte faded in and out on a large screen, I knew what was about to happen.
“I’ll be there for you,” sang Charlie Puth and his The War and Treaty couple, “when the rain starts pouring.”
The Emmys went all-in.
Perry received the loudest applause of all – the last shreds of #MeToo were swept under the rug as a room full of false moralists honored the dishonorable.
Perry received the loudest applause of all – the last shreds of #MeToo were swept under the rug as a room full of false moralists honored the dishonorable. (Above) In Memoriam at the 2024 Emmys ceremony
White Lotus star Aubrey Plaza's dress (above) resembled a silk Post-It note
After his death in October, sources close to Perry told that he was abusive in his final years. He allegedly threw a “coffee table” at his ex-fiancée, pushed his sober partner into a wall and “threw her onto a bed.” In addition, he is said to have regularly consumed hard drugs, although he declared himself an advocate against drug addiction.
Regardless, the tribute was angelic.
What else would you expect from these preachy, oh-so-woke sycophants?
They don't like naming themselves. Roman Polanski? Woody Allen? Will Smith?
Stage left: Emmys host and Jussie Smollett defender Anthony Anderson, who himself has been dogged by sexual assault allegations for decades. (Charges were dropped in two cases and the outcome of a third is unknown.)
Let's call it good casting.
He decided not to have a monologue. Who could blame him after the Jo Koy Golden Globes debacle?
Instead of the traditional build-up and punchline, Anderson botched a musical homage to a couple of iconic theme songs and an unconventional, breathless, over-the-top cover of Phil Collins' “In The Air Tonight.” .
Luckily for Anderson, his mother was in the audience – and she was funnier than him. “Time’s up, baby,” she snapped comically at her boy. 'Wrap it.'
Luckily, the Emmy winners only had about 10 seconds to speak, and Anderson's mom was there to see them through — even holding up a giant clock when “White Lotus” star Jennifer Coolidge began ranting.
But – shocker – left to their own devices (and without writers), these actors still managed to behave obnoxiously.
Stage left: Emmys host and Jussie Smollett defender Anthony Anderson (above), who himself has been dogged by sexual assault allegations for decades.
After his death in October, sources close to Perry told that he was abusive in his final years.
Jeremy Allen White, who won lead actor in a comedy for his performance as a chef in “The Bear,” appeared to have eaten one too many space cakes and repeatedly announced, “I love you!” to a room of hundreds.
RuPaul's Drag Race won Best Reality Competition Program – earning the show a whopping 29 Emmys. Congratulations! But then RuPaul urged America to let drag queens read books to children. Damn, I prefer kids who can read. But… priorities!
Elton John finally won the rare EGOT (the designation for an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony Award winner) for his concert special “Elton John Live: Farewell from Dodger Stadium,” and he didn't even show up to accept him statuette. God, he's my favorite diva.
Niecy Nash-Betts (Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series in “Dahmer: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story”) let the twin volleyballs smuggled in her dress do the talking. And her self-esteem was spot on. “I want to thank myself for believing in myself!” she gushed.
At least there was an honest broker there.
I had to cover my eyes when Anderson reappeared in a black latex suit for a cameo as American Horror Story's Rubber Man.
“Not that guy again!” exclaimed actor Dylan McDermott.
“Things like this make it hard for me to breathe,” Anderson gasped. “I don't know how they do it in Pulp Fiction. 'Am I sweating back there?'
TMI, man!
Jeremy Allen White (above), who won the award for lead actor in a comedy for his performance as a chef in “The Bear,” appeared to have eaten one too many space cakes and repeatedly announced, “I love you!” to a room of hundreds .
Christina Applegate (above) walked out to a standing ovation with the help of Anderson and a cane.
Luckily, the Emmy winners only had about 10 seconds to speak, and Anderson's mom was there to see them through — even holding up a giant clock when “White Lotus” star Jennifer Coolidge began ranting.
Where's the Gimp Ball when you need it?
But honestly, the Emmys weren't all bad.
There was a camp cameo by Ted Danson and the cast of Cheers on a recreated set. And Katherine Heigl, wearing Jessica Rabbit's red dress, reunited with the rest of the Grey's Anatomy crew. This was just a little embarrassing since Hiegl infamously withdrew from Emmy consideration in 2008 because she felt her scripts stinked.
The evening wouldn't have been complete without a look back at The Sopranos and, my favorite, Martin.
The cast marveled that they had never been nominated by the self-loathing establishment snobs, while Martin stood somewhat to the sidelines. As he spoke, we all worried that he wasn't feeling well or wasn't up to the task.
On the bright side, Tisha Campbell looked amazing. Damn, Gina!
I had to cover my eyes when Anderson reappeared in a black latex suit for a cameo as American Horror Story's Rubber Man.
Tisha Campbell (above) looked amazing. Damn, Gina!
Ali Wong of Beef (left) looked like she paired a baked potato wrapper with my dead aunt's Goodwill skirt. Laverne Cox (right) appeared to be wearing a cross between a garbage bag and an exoskeleton.
Speaking of fashion, White Lotus star Aubrey Plaza's dress resembled a silky Post-It note. Ali Wong from Beef looked like she paired a baked potato wrapper with my dead aunt's Goodwill skirt. And Laverne Cox appeared to be wearing a cross between a garbage bag and an exoskeleton.
But when I die, I want to come back as Hannah Waddingham's impossible body. She looked phenomenal.
Sarah Snook also receives an honorable mention. Who doesn't love a Vivienne Westwood dress? And Dead to Me's Christina Applegate, who has suffered from multiple sclerosis for years, has shown us all how to shine no matter what.
She walked out to a standing ovation with the help of Anderson and a cane. 'Thank you. Oh my god, you're totally embarrassing me [and my] “Disability due to standing up,” she said expressionlessly. 'That's good. OK. Body not from Ozempic. OK let's go.'
This is a real star.
Sorry, Anthony. Like your mother said, your time is up.
Now dry yourself.