Dear Amy: I recently completed my master’s degree.
My mother and mother-in-law flew separately from across the country to my graduation.
I’m grateful they both came, but while my MIL was here, she repeatedly made comments that I found negative for my degree.
She said that my graduation ceremony was truly dedicated to my husband because he supported me throughout school.
While he worked full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time.
She gave him a graduation gift and a t-shirt that read, “I survived my wife’s graduation.”
It shocked and hurt me, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day.
I found the jersey offensive because it downplayed my accomplishments into something that seemed extremely difficult for him.
Afterwards I told my husband how I felt (in tears) but he told me that while he could understand my point it was just a joke.
For the rest of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and didn’t wear it because he knew it upset me.
I tried to grin and bear it, but I was deeply hurt and mocked.
She had a habit of making few negative comments about my degree and future work.
I want to bring this up, but it’s been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to let her know how I feel after the fact.
I really appreciate the effort she made, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call her and explain my feelings to her?
– Current graduate
Dear graduate: Your husband’s mother decided to do a big thing with him for your graduation and belittle you in the process. Your preferential treatment is embarrassing, silly (and sexist, in my opinion), and you might try to be honest but cautious about addressing your ongoing sensitivity in this regard.
When you call, first thank them for making the trip to celebrate your graduation. Tell her, “I’ve got something on my mind, and since it’s still on my mind, I thought I’d try talking to you about it. You said a few things over the weekend that gave the impression that you didn’t appreciate my degree and my job. I hope you understand that I’m sensitive because I’ve worked so hard for it. Do you really feel like this?”
Give her a chance to respond, listen carefully, and do your best to turn this encounter from a confrontation into a conversation. Assure her that you value your husband’s support and that now that you have this advanced degree, you will do your best to support him in the way he has been accustomed to.
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